My Poems

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1    Choco  [id : Uo9rnsD/] [2014-01-11(土) 22:52:04] 削除依頼

 

Snow Island


I felt the cold snow with my feet.
I felt the cold air with my body.
I know that where am I.
I`m in the snow island.

Snow teaches me a loneliness.
Snow teaches me a sadness.
I know that where am I.
I`m in the snow island.

Snow knows everything about me.
Snow washes everything my past.
I know that where am I
I`m in the snow island

2 ダークフレイムマスター  [id : tDtr/WY.] [2014-02-19(水) 14:05:33] 削除依頼

"I know that where am I" を "I know where I am."

"I felt the cold snow with my feet" を "I felt the cold snow beneath my feet"

"I felt the cold air with my body" を "I felt the cold air around my body"
"Snow teaches me a loneliness" と "Snow teaches me a sadness" からaを取り除いて、
"Snow washes everything my past" を "Snow washes everything in my past" に変えたらいいと思います。

いいポエムですね。

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